December is always a busy month for me-for all the obvious holiday-related reasons, plus my birthday falling on the 12th and now Alex's on the 20th. I become contemplative in December, what with rolling over to a higher number on the birthday (next week will be 38), and the end of the year. This year it's also the end of the first year of being a mother. Questions such as: what do I like about my life (lots), what would I like to change (a couple of things, already discussed on this blog), what do I need to deal with.
On the health front, walking every morning has been doing good things for me-clothes are loosening, energy levels are rising, change is coming slowly. I still hold the 40th birthday goal in my mind, and try to make decisions accordingly. I'm feeling ready to ramp up my exercise amounts.
I'm thinking more about the possibility of becoming a school librarian. I do need to go back to work once Alex starts school, and becoming a novelist is to ephemeral a goal to count on. Ron has been incredibly patient with me (I stopped working as a technical writer in February of 2005), but a reliable income will be necessary once Alex doesn't need me at home anymore. At first, the thought of doing the librarian thing depressed me, like I was a failure as a writer if that happened, but now I think that it may be part of my path in life, just as writing is. I don't have to do it for the rest of my life, but it feels like a good fit during Alex's early school years, at least.
Another thing that has been on my mind lately has been my relationship with my mom. Our relationship seems to be degrading, and I'm not sure why that's happening. I know that I need to talk to her about it, but I'm scared to. There are complicated psychological forces at work here, for both of us, and I'm trying not to let myself fall back into the mind state of the 4 year old whose mother left her. It can be difficult at times. I'm sure I'd benefit highly from the work of a good therapist. :)
Lots to think about.
2 comments:
I love coming to your blog from time to time to see what you have been up to. I can definitely see you as a school librarian because it suits you well. It is not a bad thing whatsoever, so don't even think that. It seems like a great job to have once Alex starts school. Also, that is great that you are walking every morning. I am sure it brings you a lot more energy. I keep telling myself that I need to do some sort of physical activity cuz I need that boast of energy like anyone else. It is so good for us. Well, have a great holiday season and give that cute baby boy my love.
Sorry, I JUST read this. First of all, I think that a job as a librarian is completely inkeeping with your writing goals. What better way to embrace the world of literature and people's access to it, as well as its impact, possibilities, and the attitudes concerning literary genres? You would be a wonderful librarian, because you are very media-savy and yet in love with the written word. You definitely need to see the "half-full" portion of this glass!
Also, Allison, from what I know of your mother, I'm sure she would be receptive to your feelings. She might welcome it...she, too, has a weighty soul in this realm. I think you need to for your four-year-old!
You are surrounded by love, my dear. Plunge forward!
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